Even Though I Haven’t Read It III

I was browsing at my local bookstore the other day and happened across the Non-Fiction Teens section (I swear, I just wanted to do a little research on twin studies). What should I see but Bill O’Reilly’s mug smirking at me. Mis-shelved? Oh no, my friend, it was the cover of The O’Reilly Factor for Kids. Seriously. Bill O’Reilly wrote a children’s book full of helpful “advice on issues that confront today’s teenagers.” Because we all know how well adolescents respond to patronizing, bullying, 50-something blowhards. Why wouldn’t it make sense for a populist talk radio host to unlock the secrets of maturity for our nation’s youth?
So I skimmed it. And by skimming it, I mean I turned directly to the topic on which Mr. O’Reilly must be something of an expert: sex. Lots of boilerplate platitudes, such as, make sure you’re emotionally ready before you engage in phone sex with an unwilling subordinate–don’t do it under presure on prom night. And then each section concludes with a “my story,” wherein Bill shows the youngster he’s just like them and faced the same problems. I’ll spare the reader (as I spared myself) a synopsis from this section.
My new favourite hobby is reading the Amazon reviews for books I haven’t read, and most of these are from adults who can’t believe what an excellent idea this books is! Why, they’ll go buy a hundred copies to donate to the nearest reformatory! A few are from kids, too, and it’s annoying to imagine where those kids must fit in the High School social structure. I’ll leave it to the eager Agoraphile to find the 5-star review by Sean McCarthy.